by
DominicGee
@ 2008-03-07 - 19:45:20
Yes I know, this is an easy post, anyone could do this, but not with my vitriol and eloquence so fuck off (see?).
In no particular order
There is no such fucking thing as pentapeptides. Not only are these imaginary chemicals marketed to us as if we were heaps of stupid, but they seemingly chose a woman with a face that looks like it was styled with a machete, a voice that has the personality of a brick and possibly the ugliest name in the world. Some women, when meeting people, lie about their age, Nadine Baggott should lie about her name. Whenever I see her on TV I wonder why she isn't guarding her bridge from a family of billy-goats. And another thing, what the fuck is a celebrity beauty editor? Does she edit celebrities? Is she a celebrity? Knowing the way TV works, she's probably the latter, hence her announcement of her job in the first place. The worst thing about this advert is I can't even remember what the hell it is advertising - I just have the image of her contourless face and lifeless eyes staring at me through folds of age-defying hair.
Did you know that the marketing executive that came up with the Lenor advert actually won an award? Why? Because the campaign successfully managed to squeeze as much bullshit into a 30 second slot as was possible. This visual travesty has the balls to tell us that they are doing their bit for the environment by producing a concentrated version of their fabric softener (a pointless product in the first place as surely fabric are already soft, but maybe I'm just Neandethal) thus reducing the amount of lorries needed to carry it around the country. Let's ignore the fact that this is clearly a money saving exercise that reduces transportation and packaging costs and probably costs less to manufacture. "How can we put a positive light on the fact that we are down-sizing our work force?" Enter square-spectacled creative exec "Easy, relate it to global warming. No matter what you do, if you say you are saving the world people will lap it up." They can fuck off. A breath of fresh air my arse, I'd rather fart in my own face than put up with this horse piss.
Who the fuck do the Spice Girls think they are? Not only do they make a completely un-requested come-back, but they then presume that their glossy faces are pretty enough get us to buy from Tesco. I don't listen to your 'music', I'm not interested in your life and frankly I was glad to see the back of you 8 or whatever years ago. Who told them people wanted them back? Does this mean we're going to see a return of 911? Criss Cross? I fucking hope not. Tesco should know fucking better.
I have never known a more unimaginative advertiser than Gillette. This is how their adverts go: cue manly graphics (blues, blacks and chemical greens), swooshing and zooming noises from no particular source. Enter a male sports personality (where the hell did Tiger Woods come from? He play's golf for fucks sake), the male sports personality then shaves his already smooth chin. We are then told an absurdly long name for what is essentially a boring product for a boring chore. Gillette Mach 4 Nirto Turbo Stealth Omega! It sounds like something from the Street Fighter franchise, not an item for maintining personal appearance. They're so basic it pisses me off that someone got out of bed to make this crud.
6. Why advertise the news? If you're not going to watch the news, I seriously doubt you're going to be suckered in because the newsreader is shown being surrounded by a plethora of more and more unlikely graphics. So let's throw in some sex to spice things up. What is it about serious women on TV that they all look the same? Lady Di looked like Jill Dando (who looks like Dido) who looks like Natasha Kaplinsky and I really shouldn't know what her name is. And while we're on the subject, who the hell was that bird doing the 60second news on BBC3 - you know the one I mean, she looks like she's been punched in the teeth from behind. Anyway, don't advertise the news cos it inevitably means dumbing it down for a new demographic looking for flashing lights, arcade noises and Trevor McDonald looking uncomfortable while the sport is delivered to us by a woman in the nude.
Activia. I'm not sure if they still show this famously wank advert that features a new chemical we never thought we needed called Bullshit-digestivum. What's clever about this new chemical is that the first part "biffidus" sounds strange and latiny and is so complicated it's not worth thinking about, whereas the last bit "digestivum" has a word in that sounds familiar and probably has something to do with your insides. So clever is it that they have real women (not actors, they all just seem to be pretty and live in the Emerald City) tell us how it helps them "feel" better and it "could" help you too. Help with what? An oblique reference to "that bloated feeling" you get. This bloated feeling usually occurs during or shortly after said women have been pushing lorry loads of Ryvitas, Dairyleas and Mintrels down their throats. I'm not gonna tell them to eat less, just stop eating all together.
Thanks to Dove and their "real women" campaigns, there have been a shit-load of advertisers getting "real" people to market their goods (compare this to Lynx adverts who are owned by the same company and their portrayal of women). Everybody in the bastard Shredded Wheat ads seem to think that having whole grain is a really good idea. Why? Why is it a good idea? Ian Botham sums it up nicely: "It may be good for your heart." Great. It MAY be good. Well, please buy my product, you may like it. I'd like to have a doctor's surgery whose tag line is "We'll help, probably." What is a woman on the beach gonna know about Whole Grain? And she's fat. Yeah it'd be a good idea for YOU baby-cakes, but that's cos you use Nutella as toothpaste.
The adverts for Kandoo are not annoying, just creepy. I don't like them. They're what a Chief Executive would see if he took extacy before getting home from work.
Actually, the same goes for Air Wick. I would worry that I didn't even know my own child if I caught him counting the puffs ALL DAY. And they should stop trying to kid us that air fresheners smell anything but nasty. Unless you like the smell of acrylic and burnt hair you're better off just opening the window for about ten minutes. Besides, who decided that a strong smell of lemons and aloe vera (whatever the hell THAT is) is better than, well, what is really just regular smells like feet, wet dog or swollen farts - at least it's natural. And before I forget, what's with the psychotic "real" mother staring genocidelly at the screen as she advocates the use of 'Oust'. Have you noticed that her eyes are so wide her pupils don't touch the sides? The same rule applies to people who look like that as to men who only have one eyebrow. No.
I'm not gonna talk about the Frosties advert because it's not on TV anymore (we can thank our collective sanity for that one) and it's too obvious. Besides, everything that I don't like about it, someone else who's totally wacky and out-there will probably love. Now Coco-pops is a bit different because they're making a lot of effort for nothing. "Nothing can get in the way of Coco-Pops and milk - Coco-Pops and milk make a bowl full of fun" is the slogan. What the hell did they think we were doing with them all this time? Putting them in sandwiches? Adding Mayonnaise? As if we're gonna watch the advert and be like "CocoPops and milk! Now I get it. I always thought they were a bit dry." Did they do it to coincide with their genius Coco straws or whatever so that disobedient children don't leave any milk at the bottom? Ever heard of Wheatabix? Soak that muthafucka up with no sugar, or better yet slap the kid upside the back of the head.
I can't think of any more at the moment, but they'll come to me. Thankfully I don't have a TV anymore and I'm feeling a lot happier. i've also taken to writing stupid blogs, but the two are wholly unrelated I assure you.
