I sometimes think I am both Withnail and I minus the romance of being in the 60s and a completely insane possible rapist homosexual uncle. My flat and flatmates have taught me several things, which, like the virtues of marriage, are only useful in the situation that taught you them.
Newspaper is a painful but sometimes necessary alternative to toilet paper. Magazines are not. Ensure tearing it into pieces, even one page of a tabloid won't fit down the loo, so tear it into strips making sure not to destroy the funnies, as you are most likely reading them.
When exposed to steam, paint peels very easily. On this point, most things in your house, when exposed to steam will not dry out if some fucker doesn't open the window after the shower. The brown stuff that develops in the crevases of your shower WILL come off with some scrubbing, so don't bother seeing if it will by scraping it with your finger as it won't remove itself from your nail.
Bacon does cook in the microwave alright, but it's foul taste must be diluted with a microwaved 'baked' potato or lots and lots of brown sauce.
Unless microwaving lots of bacon, brown sauce lasts AGES.
It is possile to live in a flat without any gas indefinitely (well, since October) as long as you like sandwiches.
An honourable mention should go to George Foreman here and his exceptional grilling machine except he didn't count on the fact that the lazy dill-holes who will be using it will also need a machine to clean it for them. Otherwise we just gradually build up layer upon layer of grime that, like my mother's frying pan 'adds flavour' but is really just another physical manifestation of our degredation.
Girls SAY that a clean flat is important, but judging by the noises that pervade my walls and be-cushioned ears most nights, this is patently not true.
Posters might begin their life making your flat hospitable, but once they are peeling off, torn and covered in miscellaneous spray paint[?], they cease to do that. Allow that to happen and your living room wall will begin to look like the wall of Holloway tube station.
Dogs have loads of extra hair they don't need, especially ones found on the street. They also prefer shitting on carpet more than anywhere else (followed by having their face rubbed into it then being flung by the ear against the wall).
It can be argued that drugs can cause these situations, but by entering a convinient vicious circle, you can forget your filth by simply doing more.
An "Energy Efficiency" sticker on your washing machine can mean a single wash taking as long as five hours.
Henry vacuum cleaners don't do carpets. Or lino. Only ashtrays and cobwebs.
The slidy surfaces of flyers posted through your door means that they do NOT make a cheap alternative to a doormat, so stop pretending and pick them up.
Having your electricity supplied to you via a small key and card is another reminder of why your life is crap and why you must, must move out soon.
A really crap flat like mine is an excellent excuse for staying at your girlfriend's everynight, providing she isn't a bore.
Lightbulbs do need to be bought every now and again, not just passed from room to room in some ever decreasing carousel like a very long and annoying game of musical chairs.
If you haven't got heating like me, make sure you at least have a TV. Getting rid of the TV so you read more is all well and good, but if you are always too cold to turn a page, you've lost. Talking to yourself helps, or try reading children's books where the pages are made of cardboard or inflated plastic for bath times.
Keep yourself thin if you like baths - it will mean filling the kettle less.
There are so many more, but my fingers are going numb so I'm off to huddle around my flatmates cigarette for warmth. Maybe I'll fart into my blanket.