Woah, Deep

Can anybody think of anything cool that happened in the 60s? No? What about the 70s? Didn't think so. Recieved wisdom is that these two decades are pretty much what helped define what we now consider 'cool'. Rock n Roll, mini skirts, afros and pot.

It turns out that we've been swindled. Nope, they were not the coolest decades. What happened is we were tricked by those who had grown up in the 60s and 70s i.e., those who held power and influence in the media and of course our parents. They lied to us. It wasn't cool at all, they just wanted to make themselves feel better, so they force fed us the idea that anything that is worth anything owes all its debt to the abundance of musical and cultural pioneers that were on every street corner in those two decades.

But now we have the truth thanks to some 'survey' or whatever (I can't find a source) conducted by SkyNews. Apparently it's the 80s that was the coolest decade of the past half century.  So all you oldies who keep going on about Roxy Music or The Everley Brothers can shut up back to New Malden, raise your kids, go to church and stop telling us lies.
The powers that be - those who now hold most influence in the media world (I can't guess how old they would be) have given 8, yes 8 uncontestable examples of why the 1980s was the coolest of all the decades.  (For the purposes of sensibleness let's ignore the 90s because frankly recalling the government endorsed 'Cool Britannia' era has the same effect as smelling Champagne while battling a hangover).  Here's why:
 
- The Rubics Cube.  Undeniably cool.  It's a small toy that is impossible to solve for 99% of the population and has no less than 6 colours.  It's comparable to the first technicolour films it produces such excitement.  Seconds of fun can be had whenever you pick one up after a few years, turn it a couple of times then push it back under the bed when you remember the only way to solve it is to pull the stickers off.  Cooooool.

-  "Cult puppet show Spitting Image was also voted as one of the highlights of the decade."  Isn't it fucking great that one of the top ten things to be remembered in a decade is a TV program?  Cultish (and over-rated) it may have been, but it's still only TV.

-  Shell Suits.  The only reason I could have had any justification for saying that these were cool is because I had one.  I also had one of those big pack of felt-tips that went from black to white with all the colours in between.  That doesn't make it cool, it's something my mum bought be to keep me entertained.  Shell Suits were not cool - they were ugly, flammable, cheaply made and extorsionate - not cool.  A Triumph Bonneville ridden by Marlon Brando is cool.  Shell Suits are not.  Or irony.

-  Michael Jackson.  OK, I'll give you this one.  Though we all know how THAT turned out.  And there was a lot of stuff he did that was seriously NOT cool.

-  The 60s and 70s had people like Lou Reed, Bruce Springsteen and Serge Gainsbourg (just to pick a variety).  Fuck them, the 80s had Mark Knopfler and Dire Straits.  The kind of band people don't admit to listening to.  Guitar playing that amounted to no less than public masturbation.  A sweat band.  And I hate swing music, so any sultans can fuck off.

- OK, I kind of have a soft spot for Reagan Era action films, but Dirty Dancing and Rocky II, III and IV can go away.  And Commando is a bit silly.  In fact, there's a lot of films I like from the 80s, principally because I was shown them when I was ten years old, but that doesn't make it cool.  And I NEVER found ANY of the Police Academy films funny, so shoot me.

-  VHS was introduced.  So?  It allowed you to take movies home and ushered in the age of the 'video nasty'.  The films were cool.  The actors were cool.  A bit of magnetic strip isn't cool, it's usful and fun, but it doesn't stay up all night drinking rum and playing the mouth organ and slowly killing its brain.  That's cool.  Just because it's old doesn't make it cool.

-  The Tube on Channel 4.  I'm too young to know whether or not this program is cool, but I'm damned if Channel 4 is going to let me know otherwise.  Seeing as Channel 4 is now the mouthpiece of the youth nowadays (they make them feel old by putting their favourite programs on the 'grown up' More 4, whatever they say is cool, is cool.  Countdown is cool.  Time Team is cool.  Cricket is cool.

-  Live Aid.  Not convinced.  'Cool' must surely consist of something that is downplayed, untroubled and relaxed.  Hence 'cool'.  Bob Geldof is not cool, therefore neither was Live Aid.  And a fat lot of good it did anyway.

I wonder, given 10 years, the people with influence will start to bang on about how cool the 90s were.  Song's like Eiffel 65's "Blue" and Bewitched will make a startling come back and people will start collecting MiniDiscs.  Probably.

Here's the stupidly long link for those of you who have nothing better to do:

http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/UK-News/Eighties-Voted-Coolest-Decade-With-Rubiks-Cube-Live-Aid-And-Spitting-Image-Named-As-Favourites/Media-Gallery/200809115094001?lpos=UK_News_Third_Picture_Gallery_Teaser_Region____1&lid=GALLERY_15094001_Eighties_Voted_Coolest_Decade_With_Rubiks_Cube%2C_Live_Aid_And_Spitting_Image_Named_As_Favourites

Just for the record, so there's no confusion over my red-blooded masculinity and my testosterone fuelled tastes, my favourite films all involve punching and kicking people.  I'm a man, don't forget.

But here are the films that I'll watch with my girlfriend that are really rather good. But don't have that much punching and kicking. I console myself with the idea that a lot of it is probably mental punching and kicking.

Before Sunrise / Before Sunset
Aah, young love.  The first film describes the perfect encounter between to young people without, I found, being squirmishly fluffy and feel good.  The female lead is a genuinely interesting person who captures the elements of a fustrated youth perfectly... and Ethan Hawke presents a slightly awkward but eager to please late teen that I imagine stricks a chord with many.  The second film Before Sunset is more indulgent, but does not lose any of the first's charm.  And really sad too.  Well written, excellently directed and with a really interesting and absorbing soundtrack to both, this is well worth dropping the beer for and clutching your girl.

True Romance
I actually think it was this film that got my girl to go out with me in the first place.  You see, I'd just accidently stolen a suitcase full of cocaine while rescing her from a pimp.  At the time it was all very traumatic, but watching this film put a romantic glean on the whole thing.  Strictly speaking, this is not a girly film that men can watch, this is a manly film that girls can watch.  But I know a few girls for who this film is their favourite, therefore it qualifies.  Guys, watch this and you'll  (1) fall in love with Patricia Arquette and (2) suddenly want to get married.  Girls, as a warning, if you like this film too much, it may drive your boyfriend to violence - liking this film is just permission.

BBC Pride & Prejudice
I can't believe I'm admitting this.  The romantic story is good, but for me, I watch it for Mr and Mrs Bennett.  Favourite quote "I have the silliest daughters in all Christendom" or something.  And I suppose it is kind of exciting when he tells her he loves her "against his will".  Though if I have been swimming in my pond and she was standing there, I would have become enraged that this peasant was wondering willy-nilly across my perfectly nurtured lawn.  She was lucky to get away with a mere flutter of the heart.

Punch Drunk Love
This film is straight up odd.  I still don't quite get it.  It's not really a chick-flick either.  Still, the important thing is the rather cute relationship between Adam Sandler and whatsherface.
Barry: I'm lookin' at your face and I just wanna smash it. I just wanna fuckin' smash it with a sledgehammer and squeeze it. You're so pretty.
Lena: I want to chew your face, and I want to scoop out your eyes and I want to eat them and chew them and suck on them.

You know when something is so cute you  just want to... stamp on it or something.

Breakfast at Tiffany's
1.  Audrey Hepburn is a definite 'do'.
2.  Moon River is soooo sad.
3.  She reminds me of so many girls.
4.  It's a chick flick that boys can like cos for once it's the GIRL who has to change, not the guy.  Ms Golightly is the one who's all like "ah I don't know what I want" and the dude comes along and tells her how it is, puts her right and kisses her in the rain.  Damn straight.

Maid in Manhatten
Only joking, this film is really cack.  Made me wanna punch a nun.

I just sent this covering letter to a company who advertised for a job, they got back to me on the same day (today) to invite me for an interview. Who Dares Wins is clearly the attitude to have...

"The problem with an Ancient History and Archaeology degree is that most employers think that it is completely useless outside of a job that involves knowledge of ancient history or archaeology.  And they’re probably right.  Well, actually no they’re not.  A degree is a degree which means that, at the very least the person with one can amongst other things: manage their time effectively; conduct independent research; write fluently in their language and take up a position then argue convincingly in defence of it. I doubt I need to give you a lesson in the purposes of higher education however.  We’ve all been there and we know that in the end your degree doesn’t make you, it’s what you make of your degree (and that’s a sound-byte I am hoping to copyright).  So here I am with a degree and an ambition to get a career going in Information Technology public relations. Let’s ignore my degree for the moment though as PR, more than many other industries is not about numbers but about relationships.  I can tell you I’m great when it comes to relationships.  And although this letter is making me sound like an over-confident, shoulder-pad wearing and frankly annoying little git, in real life people listen to me and warm to me.  I’d like to get paid for doing that.  I enjoy it, plus I like the subject matter.  Technology fascinates me like nothing else and I don’t mean just on a superficial ‘Top Gear’ level, I mean it really gets me going, especially the internet and computers."

What is your greatest fear?
Getting massive piles that hang out of my arse like a bag of onions, and the wet patting of them as they swing back and forth between my thighs.

What is your earliest memory?
Trying to get my lego men to come alive so that I could kill them in a horrific brick avalanche.

Aside from property what is the most expensive thing you bought?
A nuclear war-head from a disillusioned Soviet general. It was about a grand, plus p&p.

What would your super power be?
Being able to think.

If you could edit your past, what would you change?
I'd beat up more people in school.

Have you ever said "I love you" and not meant it?
Yes, just to see her face change shape.

What is the closest you've come to death?
Watching 'Meet the Parents'.

How would you like to be remembered?
As a tyrant and oppressor. It is better to be feared than loved.

What is the most important lesson life has taught you to date?
Everybody has a price, and those that don't get killed really easily.

Don't ever let it be said that Hip Hop is dead. Some of you older guys may lament the fading away of political hip hop from the likes of Grandmaster Flash and Public Enemy, but the new breed of streetwise hip-hopping rat-packing drug dealing aficionados that now rule the roost have their own potent lyrics, if only they could be understood by the older generation. Whereas many of you would have been bought up using words like 'swell' and 'crikey', modern 'jive' has its own raft of words, such as 'g', 'hoe' and 'gully' (far from being derogatory, the latter is in fact a positive identification of one's street-worthiness). So here I am, helping you old codgers out again with a explaination of Soulja Boy's infamously successful tune 'Crank Dat Soulja Boy'.

(Yoooouuuu!) Soulja boy I tell 'em
Hey I got a new dance fo you all called the soulja boy
(Yoooouuuu!) You gotta punch then crank
back three times from left to right
(Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh yeeeeaaaah!)

Using your imagination, try to transplant early Kylie Minogue to the mean streets of New York, make her black and this is what we have.  Had Soulja Boy been a white girl, these lyrics can be translated thus:

"Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)
I know you'll get to like it If you give it a chance now
(C'mon baby do the loco-motion)... etc

[Chorus] Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe
Watch me Crank It Watch me Roll
Watch me Crank Dat Soulja Boy
Then Super Man Dat Hoe
Now, Watch me You... (Crank Dat Soulja Boy)
Now, Watch me You... (Crank Dat Soulja Boy)
Now, Watch me You... (Crank Dat Soulja Boy)
Now, Watch me You... (Crank Dat Soulja Boy)

Believe it or not, this chrous is repeated once again. "Soulja Boy off in this Hoe" I suppose means something along the lines of "I'm having a great time" or "I am the dominent male at the moment."  'Hoe', although a bastardization and romatiziation of the word 'whore' has come to mean anything that is good, or something that you, as a male, can easily accomplish.  However, he could also just be saying 'ho!' like Santa, meaning he is merely making an excited exlamation ensuring that the iambic rhythm is maintained.

[Verse 1:]
Soulja Boy Off In This Hoe  [obviously]
Watch me Lean And Watch Me Rock? [why there is a question mark at the end of this line remains a mystery]
Super Man Dat Hoe [does he mean fuck her?  How can you noun someone, let alone proper-noun them?]
Then Watch me Crank Dat Robocop? [again with the question mark... I have a strong feeling that without a music video, a lot of this tune is meaningless]
Super Fresh, Now Watch Me Jock [not sure about this.  It has been tradition for great artists to coin their own words and phrases, so for this line I am going to take 'Jock' as a verb and assume it means something along the lines of 'hurt'.  Still doesn't really work though]
Jocking On Them Haterz Man [a 'hater' is someone who doesn't like his music, so he's gonna be very busy]
When I Do Dat Soulja Boy
I Lean To The Left And Crank Dat Dance
(Now You) I'm Jocking On Yo Bitch Ass
And If We Get The Fightin Then
I'm Cocking On Your Bitch
You Catch Me At Yo Local Party Yes
I Crank It Everyday Haterz Get Mad Cause
"I Got Me some Bathing Apes" [i guess the rest of this verse is kinda self-explanitory apart from this killer last line.  People don't like him because of his shoes (bathing apes is a brand name)?  Pathetic]

[Chorus x2]

[Verse 2:] I'm bouncin' on my toe
Watch me super soak dat oh
I'ma pass it to Arab And he's gon' crank it up fo' sho' [I'm sorry, I know you're young Soulja Boy, but if you're gonna do Crank and Hip Hop, you can't be talking about water-fights when you were ten years old - pumping a super-soaker does NOT equate to cocking a twelve-bore shotgun that 50pence talks about all the time].
Haterz wanna be me Soulja Boy,
I'm the man They be lookin' at my neck
Sayin' it's the Rubberband Man, man [this is a joke we obviously had to be there for.  Frankly he hasn't done himself any favours by telling us what his bullies call him].
Watch me do it, watch me do it [do what?]
Dance, dance [oh, that]
Let get to it, let get to it [calm down mate]
Nope, you can't do it like me Doe, so don't do it like me
Folk, I see you tryna do it like me Man that damn was ugly [well done, you've invented a dance that only you can do.  So have I, I can bet you nobody else will stick their finger up my nose and eat the bogie - but I do that all the time - bitch!]

[Chorus x2]

I'm To Clean Off In This Hoe [bored yet?]
Watch Me Crank And Watch Me Roll
Watch Me Crank Dat Roosevelt Then Super soak That Hoe, [you're not making any sense mate]
Super Soak That Hoe (x9) [times nine?  Is he insane?  It's a shit lyric for god's sake, don't repeat it, let alone nine times!]
I'm to Fresh Off In This Bitch [this sentence is just all wrong, it's like I'm marking a three-year old's homework]
Watch Me Show Now Watch Me Gig [you must be joking]
Watch Me Crank My Shoulder Work [why?  is that good?]
And Superman That Bitch,
Superman That Bitch,
Superman That Bitch,
Superman That Bitch,
Superman that Bitch [I hope you didn't drop out of school to persue your music Soulja Boy you cunt].
(Awwwwwww) (You)

[Chorus x2]

...enough

Here's a film that put's any of Hollywood's efforts to shame. I won't tell you what to watch out for, this is the type of film that takes a couple of viewings to really get all you can from it. I haven't bothered to see all of it as I'm worried that it will over-shadow Hercules in New York as my favourite crap film, and I can't do that to Arnie.

A Review of Photographic Plates of an Erotic Nature

- A Tale of Two T-----s
BASED UPON THE POPULAR fictional offering of A Tale of Two Cities.  In Mr Dickens' story, Lucie Manette must choose between two suitors, Mr Sydney Carton and Mr Charles Darnay.  However, in Mr Benjamin Dover's saucy burlesque, the fortunate Miss Manette doesn't have to choose, consequent upon the fact that the two gentlemen concerned discover there to be plenty of room for two in her cunnikin.  The presentation concludes with a triumviratious conjugation that truly has to be perceived to be given credence to.
Four Dozen Plates 2 3/4d.

- Gentlemen's Spendings Bath 16
IT'S LEWD EFFUSIONS all the way as Lady Marchmaine summons all her below stairs staff to an onanistic gathering in her bedchamber.  Before long, the butler, the under butler, the footmen, the gardeners, the grooms, the ostlers, the gamekeeper and the boot-black have all been pressed into service of an altogether different kind.  Mr Dover Esq, humbly submits that he considers the final plate to exhibit such singular appeal to the connoisseur of bukkakinaceous proclivities, that it alone justifies the purchase price.
Thirty Plates 1/- 6d.

- Copulation Carriage volume 8
SUBSEQUENT UPON HIS PREVIOUS excursions, the licentious Mr Phileas McCavity engages in further peripatetic sojourns in his Copulation Carriage.  On this occasion, his converted charabanc, equipped with a paliasse in the rear, hits the thoroughfares of Lemington Spa.  As usual, Mr McCavity discovers there to be no paucity of alluring members of the fairer sex who are willing to loosen their whalebone stays (and more!) and remain motionless for his lens.  This presentation features 8 gentlewomen, of whom 6 are making their zoopraxinoscopic debut.
Thirty-Eight Plates 7d.

I love the internet. But the problem with it is the amount of unchecked, unverifiable so-called ‘facts’ that are propagated to everyone that somehow become part of the general knowledge of the nation. Here are some of the most annoying I have found – ones that people actually believe. Please please please, give it some thought before reading these in a circular and taking it as fact. They’re ludicrous and an insult to historians.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Eh? This custom of course has nothing to do with the fact that flowers are pretty and look nice. People getting married in June also had nothing to do with the good weather that was expected so that, in the absence of a large hall, people could celebrate outside. The is no evidence what-so-ever to suggest that people had only one bath a year. Also, if this was the case, surely people would get married in May not June – notice the lack of explanation as to why people waited a month anyway. Utter horse shite. Ignore.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slimy & slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats and dogs.”

What does this mean? Animals lived actually ON the roof? In what way is this warmer? If they lived IN the roof (which I am sure not many people would allow, even savage-like ‘olden dayers’) why the heck would they fall off? Thatched roofs are much steeper than modern slated ones too, so the idea of a bunch of animals hanging out there to get warm is even more ridiculous. Annoying.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a “wake.”

What horse shit is this? There seems to be the idea that humans beings were actually MORE STUPID in the ‘olden days’ than they are now – to the point where they couldn’t tell whether someone was dead or not. Let’s completely ignore the derivation of the word ‘wake’ and possible Anglo-Saxon translations, and take it in its literal, modern day form. Please fuck off.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a “bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”

Once again, English people being astronomically thick that they keep accidentally burying living people. This happened so often that rather than check that the person is in fact dead (a fairly simple procedure, even for morons), they’d chain a bell to their wrist and get someone to watch over them until after some days it became apparent that they were dead or had since died. There is absolutely no explanation for the reason ‘dead ringer’ is also used as a phrase to describe someone startlingly similar to someone else. Where the fuck did “1 out of 25” come from? Were there statisticians in those days? And of course this is where the phrase ‘saved by the bell came from’. It has nothing to do with the countless occasions in the history of humanity whereby a metallic ring or bell has been used to signal the end of an activity (boxing, pubs, soldier training etc etc). Urgh.

After a deep and meaningful conversation with my sister the other day, I am in the middle of re-evaluating my opinion of Michael Jackson.

There was a documentary on a while back about people who had incredible talents but who were unable to interact socially on a ‘normal’ level. These people had an incredible development in the logic and perception side of the brain – the kind of people who could glance at a landscape then draw it with some accuracy later, or be given a date at any point in history and tell you instantly the week day it fell on… or for a familiar fictional example be able to instantly count the number of matches that have been spilled onto the floor… Despite these fascinating talents, these people found it very difficult if not impossible to relate to other human beings. The side of the brain that dealt with abstract thinking, relationships and other behaviour was seriously under-developed, they often occupied a world of their own, they found communication and emotions confusing and alien.

Some years ago, shortly after starting his solo career, Michael Jackson arrived for an interview with a leading journalist of the time. He did not once speak to the interviewer directly, but insisted that all questions should be directed to his PA who would then relay the question onto him and vice versa. Throughout the interview Michael Jackson held a telephone to his head as if he was on the phone, but it was not plugged in. This behaviour was labelled as typical of a star.
This is the sort of behaviour one would expect to see in a child, and would be forgiven. It is also the sort of behaviour one would expect from an Autistic person – someone who is unable to communicate normally. Autistic people are often labelled as having children’s minds – that they can count and add and run around, but are never ‘adult’ as they are unable to understand the kind of behaviour that is expected of a mature human and that is principally communication with others. Look at how MJ spends his money – on a huge house with a THEME PARK in the garden and a slight over-interest in kids. I do not believe that MJ is a paedophile, I think he has some sort of Autism (or another condition similar, I’m no neuro-scientist). Was he not famous, he would have been sectioned long ago – not as a paedophile but as a man unable to deal with the normal world – one who inhabits his own world and is left confused and angry when asked to behave as an adult. Blame it on his dad or whatever, but I think that is why there are such mixed feelings towards this man – because many of us realise that there is actually something WRONG with him.

Just a thought.