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  • Martin Amis on Pornography

    This article is a few years old now, but it relates to one of my own I wrote recently on the things that worry me about porn.

    WARNING: Article contains graphic descriptions of sexual acts that some of you may not have even realised was possible, let alone desirable.

    A rough trade

    Martin Amis reports from the high-risk, increasingly violent world of the pornography industry

    Saturday March 17, 2001

    Pussies are bullshit. Don't let them tell you any different. "Answer me something," I said to John Stagliano. We were stepping out of the porno home - on to the porno patio with its porno pool. This was Malibu. Down the slope and beyond the road lay the Pacific Ocean; but the Staglianos have no access to its porno shore, in the evening they can watch the porno sunset with its porno pink and mauve and blood-orange, and then linger awhile, perhaps, under a porno moon. "Answer me something. How do you account for the emphasis, not just in your . . . work but in the industry in general, how do you account for the truly incredible emphasis on anal sex?"

    After a minimal shrug and a minimal pause Stagliano said, "Pussies are bullshit." Now John was being obedient to the dictionary definition of "bullshit" which is nonsense intended to deceive.

    With vaginal, Stagliano elaborated - well, here you have some chick chirruping away. And the genuinely discerning viewer (jack-knifed over his flying fist) has got to be thinking: Is this for real? Or is it just bullshit?

    With anal, on the other hand, the actress is obliged to produce a different order of response: more guttural, more animal. As Stagliano quaintly puts it, "Her personality comes out." He goes on: "You want guys who can fuck really good and make the girls look more . . . virile." Virile of course, means manly; but once again Stagliano is using the King's English. You want the girls to show you "their testosterone".

    The name of Rocco Siffredi, again and again, was wistfully and reverently conjured. Rocco, the big-dorked Italian, and porno's premier buttbanger or assbuster (to use the dialect of this tribe).

    "Rocco has far more power in this industry than any actress," said Stagliano, pleased to be pulling one back for the boys (generally speaking, men are the also-rans of porno). "I was the first to shoot Rocco. Together we evolved toward rougher stuff. He started to spit on girls. A strong male-dominant thing, with women being pushed to their limit. It looks like violence but it's not. I mean, pleasure and pain are the same thing, right? Rocco is driven by the market. What makes it in today's market place is reality." And assholes are reality. And pussies are bullshit.

    Features and gonzo

    There are, at present, two types of mainstream American pornography: Features and Gonzo. Features are sex films with some sort of claim to the ordinary narrative: characterisation, storyline. "We don't just show you people fucking," said a Features executive. "We show you why they're fucking." These movies are allegedly aimed at the "couples market". Couples, it asserted, want to know why people are fucking. I can give these couples a three word answer that will hold true in every case: for the money.

    In Flashpoint (Wicked Pictures), for instance, a bunch of porno stars are dressed up as firefighters. As the film opens, we see the porno stars sliding down the pole and boarding the crimson firetruck. An exploding car, a colleague (not a porno star but an ageing extra) falling in the line of duty. There follows an insanely boring funeral, which includes the whole of the Lord's Prayer and the slow and solemn furling, by a porno star, of the American flag. Porno star Jenna grieves for the fallen extra. After returning from the funeral she finds herself alone with another porno star dressed up as a firefighter. He seeks to assuage her grief, so she gives him a blowjob plus full intercourse. The next sex scene, which occurs about a millennium later, is also triggered by grief counselling. Here a male porno star comforts two female porno stars, one of them anally . . .

    After a while you begin to think that porno stars, despite being very bad at acting, are very good at acting in one particular only: they can keep a straight face. But then humourlessness, universal and institutionalised humourlessness, is the lifeblood of porno. Films like Flashpoint go out to the video stores and, in the soft version (where the hard action is partly obscured by some stray object - a fireman's hat, say, or a fireman's boot), are sold to cable and to hotel chain franchises, and so on. Features owes the humiliating fatuity of its conventions to an old legal precedent called the "Miller Test".

    Miller v California (1973) established that a dirty movie was obscene if it was "utterly" without social, literary, artistic, political or scientific "value". In juridical terms, the key word here, of course, is "utterly" and millions of dollars have been spent on its definition.

    With a wife like Hillary, Bill Clinton could never be a true pal of porno, but he largely left it alone on First Amendment grounds. Unlike his two predecessors, who systematically harassed the industry with confiscations, multiple prosecutions, fines, jail terms. It's a fair guess that porno never felt more gorgeously secure than when Clinton, in his second term, became in effect the porno president.

    Now porno is tensed and braced forchanges. It feared Gore. It dreaded Bush. Gonzo porno is also known as "wall-to-wall". It shows you people fucking without concerning itself with why they're fucking. There are no Lord's Prayers, no furled American flags in Gonzo. Features porno is much, much dirtier than it used to be, but Gonzo porno is gonzo: way out there. The new element is violence.

    Strength and Pain

    I had lunch with Temptress (Features). I had lunch with Chloe (Gonzo). And the next day I joined Chloe on the set of Welcum To Chloeville.

    My lunch with Temptress was a relatively sedate affair. At first I was reminded of the time I interviewed Penny Baker, a Playboy Playmate of the Year: within a minute I had run out of questions. Temptress, like Penny, seemed to be inhibited by the presence of a company executive - in this case Steve Orenstein of Wicked Pictures, for which she is a contract player. But Temptress loosened up.

    "Tell me, Temptress," I said (having apologised for the corniness and mild hostility of my inquiry), "what won't you do?"

    "I won't do anal," said Temptress. "They keep trying to coax me into it. You know: 'Just a finger or a tongue. Or just a little bit: just the tip.' But I won't, I used not to do facials. But I do them now."

    Temptress is not talking about beauty treatments. She is talking about the destination of what is variously referred to as the "pop-shot" or the "money-shot": the ejaculation of the male.

    "What happens," I asked, "when a co-star can't get hard?"

    The fiasco used to be the nemesis of porno. A penile no-show could make the difference between profit and loss. But the situation has been changed, I was told, thanks to Viagra. On Viagra, the actor performs 45 minutes behind schedule, with a flushed face and a headache. "You also lose a dimension," John Stagliano would explain. "The guy's fucking without being aroused." He's just "showing off" - and pretty soon you're back to bullshit.

    Another thing with Viagra is that the guy can have a problem with the pop-shot, thus endangering the facial.

    "What do you do then, Temptress?"

    "You get some pina colada mix. The cock's in your mouth and you let it, like, ooze out around it."

    Physically Temptress reminded me of the daughters of my friends. She didn't sound shy, but she looked it. With her long straight hair frequently steered over her shoulders by her slow-moving hands, with her face unglazed by cosmetics, with her gently narrowed eyes, she exuded what Philip Larkin called the "strength and pain/Of being young". I asked about her history and she told me something of it. And there was strength and there was pain (and there was certainly youth: Temptress is 21).

    "But I don't want you to write about that. And could you not mention my real name? . . . I don't have relationships any more. They make life unstable. The only sex I have is the sex on screen."

    Temptress is one of the lucky ones. She's a star. After lunch I went to Wicked Pictures and had a talk with Jonathan Morgan (performer turned director) in a computerised cutting-room while he edited his latest Feature, a fantastically unfunny comedy called Inside Porn.

    "Ah," said Jonathan. "Now here we have a double anal."

    A double anal is not to be confused with a DP (double penetration: anal and vaginal). A double anal is a double anal. And there have been triple anals, too. "The girls could be graded like A, B and C. The A is the chick on the boxcover. She has the power. So she'll show up late or not at all. Ninety-nine point nine per cent of them do that." He gestured at the screen and said, "Here you have a borderline A/B doing a double anal. Directors will remember that. She'll get phone calls. For a double anal you'd usually expect a B or a C. They have to do the dirty stuff or they won't get a phone call. You've had a kid, you've got some stretchmarks - you're up there doing double anal.

    "Some girls are used in nine months or a year. An 18-year-old, sweet young thing, signs with an agency, makes five films in her first week. Five directors, five actors, five times five: she gets phone calls. A hundred movies in four months. She's not a fresh face any more. Her price slips and she stops

    getting phone calls. Then it's, 'Okay, will you do anal? Will you do gangbangs?' Then they're used up. They can't even get a phone call. The market forces of this industry use them up."

    I thanked Jonathan Morgan for his candour. But he wasn't as candid as Chloe. We met in the lobby of my hotel and we strolled out to her Mustang.

    "See that?"

    The number plate said: STR82NL

    "Straight to anal," said Chloe.

    And she hadn't even got started.

    Chloe was gonzo. She gave me the truth.

    Extreme Productions

    A single issue of Adult Video News (April 2000) yields the following. Last October porno star Vivian Valentine attended the XXX-Treme Adults Only vacation in Mexico sporting the black eye she copped from Jon Dough on Rough Sex (Anabolic Video).

    "I have no regrets or bad feelings about it," she said. Regan Starr who worked on the second film in this "line", Rough Sex 2, had a different take. "I got the shit kicked out of me," she said. "I was told before the video - and they said this very proudly, mind you - that in this line most of the girls start crying because they're hurting so bad . . . I couldn't breathe. I was being hit and choked. I was really upset, and they didn't stop. They kept filming. You can hear me say, 'Turn the fucking camera off', and they kept going." The director of the Rough Sex series (now discontinued), who goes by the name of Khan Tusion, protests his innocence. "Regan Starr," Tusion claims, "categorically misstates what occurred."

    If you don't like Khan Tusion, you won't like Max Hardcore. AVN's regular "On the Set" column carries a cheerfully scandalised account of the making of Hollywood Hardcore 13. In this scene, actor-director Hardcore is having rough sex with Cloey Adams, who is pretending to be under age. "If you're a good girl, I'll take you to McDonald's later and get you a Happy Meal." Hardcore then "proceeds to piss in her mouth". Addressing the camera, Cloey Adams says, "What do you think of your little princess now Daddy?" Nor is Hardcore through with her. "Turning to the crew, he calmly says, 'I'll need a speculum and a hose' . . . One of Max's favourite tricks is to stretch a girl's asshole with a speculum, then piss into her open gape and make her suck out his own piss with a hose. Ain't that romantic?"

    Now. American porno (and how could it be otherwise?) is market-driven. We can see what the above tells us about porno. But what does it tell us about America? And if America is more like a world than a country, what does it tell us about the world?

    • The average American spends three hours and 51 minutes of every day watching porno (video and internet).

    • The average non-homeowning American male spends more on porno than he spends on his rent.

    • Porno accounts for 43.5% of the US Gross Domestic Product.

    Like pussies, these statistic are bullshit.

    I made them up. But the true figures are similarly wild, similarly dizzying, similarly through-the-roof. This isn't bullshit.

    • Porno is far bigger than rock music and far bigger than Hollywood.

    • Americans spend more on strip clubs than they spend on theatre, opera, ballet, jazz and classical concerts combined.

    • In 1975 the total retail value of all the hard-core porno in America was estimated at $5-10 million. Last year Americans spent $8 billion on mediated sex.

    Whatever porno is, whatever porno does, you may regret it, but you cannot reject it. To paraphrase Falstaff: Banish porno, and you banish all the world.

    Chloe

    "I have herpes," said Chloe as she drove me to a smoker-friendly bar. "After you've been in this business for a while, you have herpes. Everyone has herpes. On the set sometimes you'll say to a guy, 'What's this?' And he'll say, 'What? That? It's a fuck sore.' And it may well be a fuck sore, what with all the traffic. But it's more likely to be a herpes sore, and that guy shouldn't be working. My movies are all-condom, but condoms won't protect you from herpes. They don't cover the base. Sometimes when you're doing girl-girl you'll say, 'Honey, I think you should go and see someone.' It can be a very stinky scene down there. I'll send her to a porno-friendly doctor (the others treat you like shit) and she'll come out holding her Flagyll prescription with multiple refills."

    Chloe is 26. For 10 years she trained as a ballerina; then, at 17, she got into drugs, mostly speed ("I'd fuck for 72 hours"); at 20 she started shooting up heroin and was already in the industry by the time she quit, over two years ago. Chloe has fair, fine red hair and a warm and clever face. She has a ballerina's body: strong legs, a full muscular butt -

    "- and no tits. It's true that some Features companies urge the girls to have implants and offer to pay for it. On the road [ie, stripping] girls used to boast about the cubic capacity of their titjobs. 'I've got 840s.' 'I've got 1220s'. One of them turned to me and said, 'Get tits or suck cock.' I'd rather suck cock, I really would."

    If you're going to be a porno star, what do you need? It's pretty clear by now. You need to be an exhibitionist. You need to have a ferocious sex drive. You need to suffer from nostalgie de la boue (literally "mud nostalgia": a childish, even babyish delight in bodily functions and wastes). And - probably - you need damage in your past. You also need to be humourless. Chloe is not humourless. When she talked to me she was like someone peeping over a wall demarcating two different worlds, telling me stories about the other side.

    "I like to be peed on. I like being spat on: it feels like come on your chest. I like to be choked. I like to be fisted. Here we have the 'no-thumbs' rule? A girl can have 16 fingers up her. But no thumbs." She laughs, and continues: "For vaginal I prefer a girthy kind of dick. And some of these guys" - Chloe seizes the broad base of a water glass on the table before us - "are like this. For anal I prefer a longer, thinner kind of dick."

    "So when you do DP you get one thick one and one thin one."

    "Right . . . No. Come to think of it," she said brightly, "I get two thick ones. I like to feel crammed. You know, I did my first anal for $200? I still can't believe that."

    "And what are your rates now, Chloe?"

    "In Gonzo, you're paid, not by the picture, but by the scene. So it's girl-girl: 700, plus 100 for an anal toy. Boy-girl: 900. Anal: 1,100. Solo [a rarity]: 500. DP: 1,500. I won't do anal fisting or double anal. People ask me how I can hang on to my title as Anal Queen of LA when I won't do double anal. But I have hung on to it."

    In common with about 10% of the porno girls (her estimate), Chloe retains the approval of her parents (and so does Temptress). In fact, Chloe's guardians are gonzo. She recently shot a film out near their place, and her stepfather (while absenting himself from his stepdaughter's scenes) "was like a towel-boy". And Chloe's mother, for two years running now, has marched out of the AVN Awards, brandishing Chloe's Best Anal trophies above the heads of the crowd.

    After lunch we drove to Chloe's apartment: barred gates, the feel of a two-floor motel, a modest, comfortable, orderly apartment, featuring a cute black cat with a porno name, Siren. Chloe thinks that some porno girls get their names by looking out of the window at the road sign: Laurel Canyon, Chandler, Cherry Mirage.

    For a while Chloe talked about her love life. She is torn, at present, between the neglectful Chris, a rock musician (bass), and the attentive Artie, a fellow performer. She suspects that Chris just strings her along because it's a status symbol for a rock star to have a porno-star girlfriend. Chris, I think, knows about Artie. But Artie doesn't know about Chris.

    "And with Artie, he comes over and I'm horny as hell and he says, 'I can't, I have to do two scenes tomorrow.' "

    "With private sex, is there a crossover in your head?"

    "Oh yeah. I find myself thinking, 'Fuck. I should be being paid for this.' Or 'Fuck. I wish I had a camera.'"

    "I'd better not write about Chris and Artie."

    "Go ahead. They'll both be over anyway. Here, it doesn't last."

    Chloe was unforgettable. I won't forget the way she said this (she said it with sorrowful resolve): "We're prostitutes . . . There are differences. You can choose your partners, and they're tested for Aids - you won't get your john to do that. But we're prostitutes: we exchange sex for money."

    "You've thought this through."

    "I looked it up in the dictionary and that's what it says."

    In etymological terms pornography is what I'm doing: I'm writing about whores. I will see Chloe on set tomorrow morning. The scene they'll be shooting? Gonzo girl-boy-girl anal.

    Mister Monster

    Towards the end of Rabbit At Rest, John Updike writes: Rabbit thinks of adding $5.50 to his bill to watch something called Horny Housewives . . . The trouble with these softcore porn movies on hotel circuits, in case some four-year-old with lawyers for parents happens to hit the right buttons they show tits and ass and even some pubic hair but no real cunt and no pricks, no pricks hard or soft at all. It's very frustrating. It turns out pricks are what we care about, you have to see them. Maybe we're all queer, and all his life he's been in love with Ronnie Harrison.

    Or, as a friend would put it to me later that week: It's no good without Mister Monster. You must have Mister Monster.Must you? Gore Vidal once said that the only danger in watching pornography is that it might make you want to watch more pornography; it might make you want to do nothing else but watch pornography. There is, I contend, another danger. As I sampled some extreme productions on the VCR in my hotel room, I kept worrying about something. I kept worrying that I'd like it. Porno services the "polymorphous perverse": the near-infinite chaos of human desire. If you harbour a perversity, then sooner or later porno will identify it. You'd better hope that this doesn't happen while you're watching a film about a coprophagic pigfarmer - or an undertaker. That week in Los Angeles I found out what I don't like.

    I don't like Mister Monster.

    High up in higgledy-piggledy Hollywood Hills, I hobnobbed with Andrew Blake, the Truffaut of porno, and two incredibly beautiful girls in incredibly expensive underwear (and six inch heels).

    Strictly speaking, Blake's work is Gonzo: scriptless, storyless, with the performers interacting with the camera. But Blake is pre-eminently "high-end". His actresses look like voluptuous fashion models, and he flatters and glorifies them on the screen, with oils, unguents, silks, cords, ribbons, textures.

    "I hired Monica because she has these beautiful breasts," he told me, "and that's what we're going to be concentrating on. I've never worked with Adriana before but she seems to be really something."

    Laconic, gruff, direct and, of course, humourless, Blake goes about his business.

    "Now put your hand into her panties . . . And maybe a nipple comes out, a nipple is revealed? . . . Squeeze them, caress them, do the whole nine yards with them . . . Try opening your legs. Kind of tease the panties . . . Don't smile so much. Just kind of be into yourself . . . So is the bra ready to ride? Kiss the nip . . . Arch up your butt a little more . . . Cross and uncross your legs. Show a little pussy . . . Now this is the panties coming off . . ."

    Behold. A platonically perfect pubis, wearing nothing but the latest hairstyle, a minimal mohawk.

    "This must be a tough day's work for you," said the make-up girl amiably. "Someone's got to do it. Right?"

    Her remark obliged me to examine my "affect", or feeling-tone. I admit to a strong sense of furtive beauty-assimiliation. But the instinct being aroused in me was not sexual so much as protective. Naked Adriana was 20 years old. And the last thing I wanted to see, at that moment, was Mister Monster.

    Outside, during an intermission, Blake said in his flat, declarative style, "I'm into looking at woman. Not all this 'pissing and fisting'. I've never had any legal problems."

    Work permit

    A "tough" day's work for me, then, and the same could be said for Adriana and Monica. They weren't being slapped around by Khan Tusion or peed on by Max Hardcore. But were they being "used up"?

    If you're a porno performer, your latest HIV test is your work permit. Two years ago the actor Marc Wallice started to become evasive about his work permit. He was using an out of town health centre and seemed to be fudging his results. By the time he was found out, Wallice's condition was fulminant. He infected six actresses.

    "The tests we take only test for Aids," says Chloe. "We've contained Aids in the industry but what about all the others? You know we're now up to Hepatitis G?

    "You should be at least 21 before you work in this industry. You should know your body, understand your body. But that would wipe out half of San Fernando Valley. There are whole lines on the 18 pluses."

    And there are: Dirty Debutantes, Nasty Newcomers, Filthy First Timers . . .

    One of the actresses infected by Marc Wallice (his condition now is so pitiful that no one thinks him worthy of persecuting) is Mrs John Stagliano. Stagliano himself, the pioneer of gonzo, is HIV-positive (he contracted the virus recreationally, in a Rio bordello). A medium-sized fortune has been made by Stagliano, in a business where, contrary to popular belief, very few fortunes are made. But I often think of the Staglianos, out by the pool, gazing at an ocean to which they have no access.

    Gonzo Girl-Boy-Girl

    Chloe's shoot is on Dolorosa Drive.

    The porno house, the porno fish in the porno tank (the fish are porno-coloured: yellow, mauve, blood-orange), the porno TV set (as big as a double refrigerator), the porno deck, the porno pool, with a plastic duck floating around in it. Beyond the fence stands the house of the pain-in-the-ass neighbour who keeps climbing on to the roof with a mouthful of nails to get himself shocked enough to call the police.

    Girl-boy-girl: the girls are Chloe and Lola (a friendly Amerindian-style beauty); the boy is Artie (Chloe's offscreen lover: tattooed, muscular, balding). Artie seems to be a nice guy, but he keeps talking with a jokey French accent. Porno performers are great ones for funny voices, funny faces. German scientists, Russian spies, French connoisseurs; in Features they can keep it up all movie long.

    There is a crew: the DP (for the time being this means Director of Photography) and the sound-recordist, who go about their business like middle-aged handymen; a plump youth who seems to be there for general work experience; and Chloe's sister, Shannon, caterer and towel-girl. Chloe will soon be calling out to Shannon, "Stop that phone!" Shannon: "It's the home phone! There's like ten of them!"

    Artie is giving us more French accent, then more French accent, while Chloe and Lola strip for the "pretty girl" shots that will go on the box-cover. Chloe, with whom I spent five hours the previous day, walks past me, naked. It doesn't bother her that she's naked. She doesn't know she's naked.

    The porno stills by the porno pool. "See pink? Want lots of pink?" "Let's have some booty." "Open it? You want it all?"

    It is barely 10 o'clock in the morning, and I am, I realise, experiencing the kind of anxiety that usually precedes a mild ordeal. A line is about to be crossed. I shouldn't be here. None of us should be here. But we all have work to do.

    Fifteen minutes later, referring to the achievements of Lola, Chloe stabbed a hand through the air at me, and shouted with joy and triumph (Chloe is the director, remember, and she was thrilled to have this scene in the can): "That's the kind of blowjob I was telling you about yesterday!"

    I reeled out into the yard with my notebook, laughing, and shaking my head. There are plenty of "jokes" on a porno set, and there is much raucous mirth to dispel tension. But only a Chloe, only an exception, can inject humour. She sounded like Mel Brooks, in The Producers, saying, "That's our Hitler!"

    The kind of blowjob Chloe was telling me about yesterday was this kind of blowjob. It is as if the girl's passionate - indeed desperate - intention is to kiss the boy's lower abdomen. She faces an obstacle. She can't go around it. She has to go through it. "I mean," Chloe had said admiringly, "some of these girls go down. Drooling and slobbering, saliva everywhere, choking dry-heaving."

    It had to be said that the dry-heaving, from Artie's point of view, was visibly efficacious. When Lola was done, he gazed down with some complacence as Mister Monster went from three o'clock to half past 12.

    And that was the tenor of it: heat. That is where the market is taking us: toward heat, intensity, a frenzied athleticism. More than this, porno, it seems, is a parody of love. It therefore addresses itself to love's opposites, which are hate and death. "Choke her!" "Spit inside me!" "Break me! You can't break me! Try!" "COMING!!!" Chloe screamed this last word like a mother answering a child's cry from the other end of the house. Then, to Lola, "Choke me!" And Chloe's entire upper body flushed with pink, and she seemed to swoon . . .

    "I wanna piss," said Artie, during one of his many intermissions.

    For a moment the DP's eyes widened in alarm. He thought, wrongly, that Artie wanted to piss on camera. "Pissing is as bad as coming," he confided to me. "They're supposed to piss and they can't. They go off to the shower, then they say they can piss and they can't."

    Artie trudged back from the can, worriedly nursing his condomed erection. "God I'm old," he muttered, as he headed back to the fray.

    Well I'm old too, and I blew a kiss at Chloe and took my leave - before the anal and the popshot. Shannon drove me back to the hotel. Poor Shannon: she was having one of those days. First, shopping in a health-food store, she dropped a jar of wheatgerm on her foot and was now limping heavily. Then she discovered that her boyfriend was cheating on her - and she fired him. Contemplating the suspension of her love life, Shannon said sadly, "And when you compare it to that, the sex doesn't seem much anyway."

    I knew what she meant, in a sense. Chloe-Artie-Lola made me feel like a virgin.

    The owl and the bullshitcat

    Later that afternoon I journeyed from San Fernando to Pasadena. I was expected at a conference on "The Novel In Britain, 1950-2000" at the Huntingdon Library. After some prompting, I told a gathering of delegates about my recent experiences. "Pussies are bullshit" became the (unofficial) conference slogan.

    If pussy is bullshit then bullshit is pussy. On the second night I played a regrettably sophomoric parlour game on this theme with Ian McEwan, Salman Rushdie and Mr and Mrs Christopher Hitchens. What's New Bullshitcat. Bullshit in Boots. The Owl and the Bullshitcat ("Oh lovely Bullshit! O Bullshit, my love,/What a beautiful Bullshit you are.") Bullshit-whipped. Bullshit-wagon. Bullshit's in a well. Someone mentioned the character from Goldfinger: Bullshit Galore, Salman Rushdie paused; his eyes widened and he said, suddenly,

    "Octobullshit."

    Jokes have been defined (by Nietzsche) as epitaphs on the deaths of feelings. In other words, the best jokes are always a new low. It is utterly characteristic that the coiner of "pussies are bullshit" had no idea that he was joking. In any case, porno is littered - porno is heaped - with the deaths of feelings.

    Every time a porno star opens a megastore, or advertises a line of perfume, or does a walk-on in a TV show, porno people start saying that porno is "mainstream", that porno is hip, that porno is cool. Is masturbation hip? It doesn't feel hip. And it doesn't look hip either: you don't see anyone doing it. Porno can never be mainstream, partly because of the contrarian nature of the form. For porno to become mainstream, human beings would have to change.

    Porno people: they've changed. In the yard of the house on Dolorosa Drive, during a break in filming, Chloe, Artie and Lola stood there naked, discussing a new rollercoaster ride called Desperado. They were all smoking. I came across many a good little smoker in pornoland. What with the risks they run already, who cares about smoking? Then it was butts out and back to work. And I do mean work. Porno is a proletarian form. And porno people are a hard-grafting, ill-paid fraternity who, by and large, look out for each other and help each other through. They pay their rent, with the deaths of feelings.

    No, Chloe, you are not a prostitute, not quite. Prostitution is the oldest profession. And porno is the newest profession. You are more like a gladiator: a contemporary gladiator. Of course, the gladiators were slaves - but some of them won their freedom. And you, I think, will win yours.

    © Martin Amis

     

  • Equality in the Work Place

    I can’t remember the name of the program that was on last night, all about women in the work place.

    Clearly, this was a program attempting to really get to the core of the debate at hand.  This was achieved by someone dressing up as an egg and asking people their opinions, getting school children to run around and pretend that they are interested in becoming an astronaut and throwing highly dubious and utterly meaningless statistics around like confetti.

     

    To be honest, I was only half watching it.  My girlfriend’s flat mates were watching it when I came round and I am aware that I have a nasty habit of undermining the premise of any program they seem to be watching.  So while I ate, I kept a stony silence, throwing out questioning grunts only every now and again.

     

    That’s not to say I have a problem with women earning the same as men.  Of course I don’t, but you have to compare like with like.

     

    There was a couple of points that I found of interest, that were only touched on with one interview with a professor.  He mentioned stuff like the fact that women choose jobs and careers that have better working environments than men, etc etc.

     

    During one of their light-hearted displays of common prejudices among school children, the presenters would hold up various flashcards of aspirational careers such as a doctor, judge, astronaut or lawyer.  The children were asked to run to one or other side of the room depending on whether they thought the job was more for men or women.  For the purposes of such a test, there was of course no option to say ‘either’ – that would have been pedantic and counter-productive.  They found, to their chagrin that there were only a few jobs that were strongly associated with men, but otherwise it was 50/50.  They then went around to congratulate the children on such a sterling effort and asked them how this exercise in futility had affected them.  The girls were all gushing about how they could do the job of a man and how they all now have wonderful aspirations thank you BBC.

     

    What they didn’t do was hold up flashcards of shit jobs, difficult jobs, jobs that injure you, put your life at risk or have a profound effect on one’s social life.  Jobs like:

    Miners,

    Lumberjacks,

    Fish Trawlers,

    Oil Riggers,

    Site Labourers,

    Truckers,

    Security Guards,

    Refuse Collectors,

    Traffic Wardens,

    Etc

     

    Noticing a trend here?  I am sure if the kids had been asked who these jobs were more strongly associated with, they would have all recognised that they were masculine.  And, once that was established, do you think the girls and the TV presenters would be all “see, you too can do these jobs – don’t leave it to men to risk their lives, their health, their lifestyle in order to provide for themselves and their families – you can do it too!”

     

    Did they hell.  Just saying.

  • J.M. Barrie on Smoking

    Some short extracts from J.M. Barrie's book My Lady Nicotine.

    The circumstances in which I gave up smoking were these:

    I was a mere bachelor, drifting toward what I now see to be a tragic middle age. I had become so accustomed to smoke issuing from my mouth that I felt incomplete without it; indeed, the time came when I could refrain from smoking if doing nothing else, but hardly during the hours of toil. To lay aside my pipe was to find myself soon afterward wandering restlessly round my table. No blind beggar was ever more abjectly led by his dog, or more loath to cut the string.

    I will not admit that, once sure it was doing me harm, I could not, unaided, have given up tobacco. But I was reluctant to make sure. I should like to say that I left off smoking because I considered it a mean form of slavery, to be condemned for moral as well as physical reasons; but though now I clearly see the folly of smoking, I was blind to it for some months after I had smoked my last pipe. I gave up my most delightful solace, as I regarded it, for no other reason than that the lady who was willing to fling herself away on me said that I must choose between it and her. This deferred our marriage for six months.

    Two cigars a day at ninepence apiece come to £27 7s. 6d. yearly, and four ounces of tobacco a week at nine shillings a pound come to £5 17s. yearly. That makes £33 4s. 6d. When we calculate the yearly expense of tobacco in this way, we are naturally taken aback, and our extravagance shocks us more after we have considered how much more satisfactorily the money might have been spent. With £33 4s. 6d. you can buy new Oriental rugs for the drawing-room, as well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress. These are things that give permanent pleasure, whereas you have no interest in a cigar after flinging away the stump. Judging by myself, I should say that it was want of thought rather than selfishness that makes heavy smokers of so many bachelors. Once a man marries, his eyes are opened to many things that he was quite unaware of previously, among them being the delight of adding an article of furniture to the drawing-room every month, and having a bedroom in pink and gold, the door of which is always kept locked. If men would only consider that every cigar they smoke would buy part of a new piano-stool in terra-cotta plush, [pg 7] and that for every pound tin of tobacco purchased away goes a vase for growing dead geraniums in, they would surely hesitate. They do not consider, however, until they marry, and then they are forced to it. For my own part, I fail to see why bachelors should be allowed to smoke as much as they like, when we are debarred from it.

    Nothing is more pitiable than the way some men of my acquaintance enslave themselves to tobacco.

    Nay, worse, they make an idol of some one particular tobacco. I know a man who considers a certain mixture so superior to all others that he will walk three miles for it. Surely every one will admit that this is lamentable. It is not even a good mixture, for I used to try it occasionally; and if there is one man in London who knows tobaccoes it is myself. There is only one mixture in London deserving the adjective superb. I will not say where it is to be got, for the result would certainly be that many foolish men would smoke more than ever; but I never knew anything to compare to it. It is deliciously mild yet full of fragrance, and it never burns the tongue. If you try it once you smoke it ever afterward. It clears the brain and soothes the temper. When I went away for a holiday anywhere I took as much of that exquisite health-giving mixture as I thought would last me the whole time, but I always ran out of it. Then I telegraphed to London for more, and was miserable until it arrived. How I tore the lid off the canister! That is a tobacco to live for. But I am better without it.

    Continue reading here, where he goes on to describe his much loved Arcadia Mixture, a superior blend of tobacco leaves.

    Reading this book is the strongest argument ever presented to me for giving up smoking.

  • By The Sea

    Here's my effort for La Spice's little poetry competition.  Theme: 'By The Sea'.

    Berwick

    This appalling smoke

    That appears from nowhere

    Sponging the holiday from the weekend crowds.

    Where does it come from

    The foreigners’ heads shake

    I told you Scotland was a bad idea.

     

    An easy mistake to make:

    Strange accent, tartans, the blue flag draped

    Outside Dalgleish’s window

    A proud Pict in this land of Angles,

    Relishing the certainty of his clan.

     

    The mist distorts the border

    On a warm Summer’s day.

    At the mouth of the river

    The clouds plummet into the town

    Only the clock tower surviving, but unseen.

     

    This fat man scratches his brain

    When his bleached tanned trophy says

    “They call it the Ha”

    Neither are sure,

    And the man takes note

    To ask later again.

     

    From out of town, descending

    From the undulating hills

    A child points out the window.

    Look Ma, It’s the Ha.

    She notices the caravans and shorts

    Too bad, too bad

    They’ll never again come this far.

  • Caption Competition #2

    awk

    The photographer was professional in everything he did, except for the way he addressed his crotch

  • Captured in Three Panals

    Not Bad

  • Caption Competition #1

    Pointing

    "Look," said Enid, "there goes the collapse of Roman Imperialism!"
    "Golly!"

  • Worrying Messages

    Ahem.

    I used to work in this office in Newcastle, where my boss and I are still kinda loose friends, i.e. we text each other every now and again when something funny occurs to us.

    Normal.

    Sometimes, and I mean infrequently enough for it not to worry me, he sends me a text telling me how well he's been doing in the gym.  How he's a bit of a stud and his arms are massive.  That he just recently had sex with an 18 year old model.

    I didn't ask for these texts but, I thought "I'm OK with them."  I never saw this guy outside of a work context, but whatever.

    So a coupla weeks ago, I get this text:

    I'm looking suprisingly good these days.  Having changed my hair slightly.  I don't wash it as much.  And my stubble and lush lean muscular body.  Women sense my danger and confidence.  My icy blue eyes and latent power.  They have an innate urge to be held and entered by me.  I look 25 at most.  Maybe even 18.
    [the guy's 32].

    OK.  That was a bit wierd.  No, actually, that was pretty fucking odd.  What am I to make of this?  I am baffled as to his motivation.

    A day or so later:

    Lads [he seems to have a mailing list] I'm now formally seeing Leigh.  My sister thinks I've been on steroids.  Right now, there is a tidy blond checking my bi's out on the train.

    Oo-er.

    This:
    American Psycho

  • Horoscopes May 09

    girl guide 

    Summer is coming, so in light of the inevitable merriment, I have invited Milly Whipsnade, a young girl who attends an all girls boarding school in 1950s Pembrokeshire.  Among her many hobbies (which include bed making, mystery solving and ballet) is astrology.  She is very excited to test her knowledge of the stars on you readers this month, so here are her eagerly written horoscopes for you all to enjoy.

     

    Libra

    What-Ho!  I can’t tell you how awf excited I am about being given this wonderful opportunity to test my skills!  Peering through the 3” telescope Uncle Georgie bought for my eleventh birthday last night, I can tell you this much – your summer is going to be truly spiffing, filled with all sorts of capers.  You will meet a tall, dark stranger - he turns out to be smuggling whiskey from the Isle of Skye and it is up to you and your pals to apprehend him!

     


    Aries

    England is the most wonderful place to be on our dearest Earth during the summer months, and I won’t here a word against it!  This year, the whole of my school house will be having a beano at my Aunt’s farm in ‘Spa.  I jolly well suggest you do the same, as my charts tell me if you do plan on having some such get-together – it could quite possibly be the paramount summer event for all your acquaintances!

     

    Cancer

    Do you have a bicycle?  I can’t impress on you enough how much you really ought to get one – they are the most terrifically entertaining contraption for a youngster.  Of course initially you may look a bit of a boob when learning to keep balance, but once you’ve got the knack, the japes never end!

     

    Sagittarius

    I say, have you ever noticed the rather out of the ordinary events that occur on the night of a full moon?  My pals and I jolly well have.  Why, only the other evening after Vespers as we were making our way back to the dorm we heard some of the most awful shrieks coming from the Arboretum.  We alerted the groundskeeper from the common room window using our secret flashlight but to no avail.  After a quarter of an hour the shrieking stopped.  In the morning we went over to investigate and found there to be nothing wrong.  Uncanny!

     

    Virgo

    It is so important to help those less fortunate than yourselves, which is why I became a Girl Guide.  So far, the gang and I have: rescued a little girl from a burning building, testified against an architect attempting to build a shoddy home for the elderly, taught a gypsy boy the importance of self-belief and drove a travelling salesman out of the county for being a wog.

     

    Taurus

    Now, I know this may seem impertinent coming from a young girl like me, but one of the benefits of a private education is the ability to speak with authority on any subject, so here goes!  You must beware of all the rot surrounding Rock and Roll.  The girls and I all agree that while the rhythms are catchy and the tunes a lot of fun, one must not begin to think that the lifestyle is attractive.  The Rock and Roll lifestyle is notoriously dreadful to the female of the species and I urge all you girls to stop listening to it by the time you are engaged to be married.  It is not right that a husband should be encumbered by his wife’s past misdemeanours as well as taking the burden of your family’s financial stability. 

     

    Gemini

    It surprises me greatly to think that there are still many people living in this nation who believe that a female should not attend University!  The women who advocate this position must already be happily married so I ask them – where else is a well educated lady meant to find her future husband?  At the meeting of the Women’s Institute?  In a Mayfair club?  The mind truly boggles!

     

    Scorpio

    My latest copy of Bunty for Girls suggests ways of making a bit of money for oneself during these languid summer months.  If I may, I would like to offer one of them to you now as some of them are quite charming.  Of course, rewards from the bank are always available to those girls who manage to catch the villain, but according to Bunty, the most cost-effective and risk free way of earning your keep is to solve the mystery of the missing lead from the church’s roof.  The rector always pays us in sacramental wine and getting sloshed in the sun is always a good show.

     

    Capricorn

    There is so much to be learnt from foreign cultures ladies!  The girls and I learnt this two summers ago when we were staying the night on Uncle Obadiah’s yacht.  We accidentally left the harbour and went to sea for a whole two weeks!  We ended up on the Canary Islands.  The natives took such special care of us we didn’t worry too much when they left for Spain in our yacht never to be seen again.  In the end we were picked up by an eccentric balloonist who dropped us off back in Lidney-upon-Severn in time for tea!  What larks!

     

    Pisces

    I cannot tell you how much I am looking forward to falling in love!  My father says that’s what comes from watching too many films at the picture house – I’ve even noticed I’m saying “Okay” a lot more than a girl like me should.  But one day I am sure I will fall into the arms of a loving, Christian and ambitious under-graduate who will sweep me off my feet, all the way to Paris!  Don’t give up ladies; there is a white knight for each and every one of us!

     

    Aquarius

    At the end of our overgrown garden is a railway.  My siblings and I love to run down to the railway line to wave as the train passes by – trying to warn them that there is a Psamead living in the gravel who knows where our father is.  So far no one has been killed but I am thinking of showing my petticoat in order to get the driver to brake next time.  My brother Percy says I am a whore.

     

    Leo

    Make sure you keep on top of your baking skills!  There is nothing quite like a thick piece of ginger bread or even lardy cake on a Saturday afternoon!  Not only are they tasty little treats, you can exchange them for smoking shag at school.

  • Music Plug

    Oi you bunch of miserable bastards. 

    I have loads of sisters.  They are all talented and wonderful.  But today, being in a generous mood I have decided to advertise as best I can the music of two of them.

    Here's my sister Lizzie's stuff.  She 31 and now lives in the North of England.  Why that matters I don't know.  I also can't work out if you can embed the player from Myspace, so I'm afraid all I have is a link (however it should open in a seperate window so your navigation is not screwed around with).

    Lizzie Bell.

    My favourite is Peter Was Never My Boyfriend.  A beautiful, honest song we can all relate to, and one which makes the usually well butch, devil-may-care and emotionless brother come over all unnecessary.

    And here's a link to my other sister Lucy.

    Lucy John-Paul. 

    All her songs are pretty nice, though my favourite is Take Me Back.  Ok, they are rather sentimental, but there are some real gems nestled in among the lyrics.  She's only bloody 20.

    That's her solo stuff, she also does a duet thing with this friend:

    Lulu & The Boy.  They gig occassionally around SE1, London.

    And that's it really.

  • You Can't Please Everyone

    Everyone please visit this blog:

    You Can't Please Everyone

    It lists what is usually considered great pieces of art, either music, film or literature... then gives the 1 Star reviews that they recieved on Amazon.  Makes for some startling, though hilarious reading.

    Such as this 'review' of Sgt Pepper's (The Beatles):

    This album is a rip off Pink Floyd’s DARK SIDE OF THE MOON. The beatles copied Pink Floyd and this is the reason why Pink Floyd are better. Simply a weak and disgusting effort. Best avoided.

  • Home Is So Sad

    I read this poem for the first time in a long time, and I love it.  It captures the mood so perfectly so I thought I might post it here.

    Home Is So Sad
    by Philip Larkin

    Home is so sad. It stays as it was left,
    Shaped to the comfort of the last to go
    As if to win them back. Instead, bereft
    Of anyone to please, it withers so,
    Having no heart to put aside the theft

    And turn again to what it started as,
    A joyous shot at how things ought to be,
    Long fallen wide. You can see how it was:
    Look at the pictures and the cutlery.
    The music in the piano stool. That vase.

  • History Sticker Book

    I've just had an excellent idea.  These things happen, between me writing my erotic fiction and planning my own suicide.

    When I say 'excellent', it is of course quantifiable and entirely subjective, but bear with me.

    Remember those football sticker books.  Course you do.  I want to make one, but based on History.  Yes, I am a die-hard nerd, so these things appeal to me.  A sticker book based upon history characters, arranged and ordered by Movement or Era.

    Shut up, course kids will like them.  Even if they don't, aspirational parents will, so I'll still make money.  Although of course I am more interested in the imparting of knowledge - especially now just having returned from work experience in a school.  Yes, I am going to become a History teacher.  Those of you who who have debated with me on aspects of history - I am sorry if this worries you, but I guess that's what the national curriculum is for!

    Anyway, imagine this:  you'd have the Renaissance page in the book (somewhere in the middle I'd imagine), and there are two dozen stickers you have to collect featuring prominent figures of the time like Raphael and Lorenzo d'Medici.  Then you'd have 'shinies', the special ones - for the Renaissance I imagine them to be Erasmus and Leonardo de Vinci.

    There'd be a page on the Enlightenment, classical composers, Ancient Greek philosophy, Roman generals etc.  I don't know if it would be practical to have a Worldwide edition, so I am just talking about Europe here, or maybe Western Civilisation (from Hellenism to US super-power).  I dunno.  Still, I like the idea because as I have said, I am actually quite sad.

    In order to prompt some debate (although this usualy leads to embaressing silence) What is your favourite era, and who would be your 'shinies'?

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