Big Brother, My Mouth

Alternative Big Brother

I’m not going to watch Big Brother, if I can help it.  The bastard program ends up taking over TV for the summer so you always end up watching part of it.  Then there’s the problem of other people wanting to watch it.  I have tried making a pact with my friends that we won’t be watching it, but I can see the weakness in their eyes. 

They always provide an excuse “but this one’s different”, “something interesting has happened” or “it’s more like how it was originally, more a social experiment…”

I used to think that.  That it was some sort of psychology demonstration.  But now that we’re onto BB10, it’s no longer a ‘fair test’.  There are no benchmarks for normal behaviour.  There’s none of the humility that went with the first one where the contestants and the producers had no idea how watched the program was going to be.  It’s not like that anymore. 

In a way, despite the fact that there are dozens of personalities and manufactured situations, the program is still predictable:

What happens when you lump together a bunch of camera-whores, egoists, thickos and degenerates, representing nobody in their demographic for the nation to scrutinize?  Nothing unexpected what so ever.  You get three months of atrocious behaviour, monumental examples of ass-backwards thinking, wayward morals, baffling motives and screaming.  So much screaming. 

The program should end with a masked man entering the house armed only with a mattock then, following frantic instructions from the baying crowd outside commits a massacre.  The only survivors are those who learn to shut the fuck up, and are left huddled in the corner somewhere, weeping at the carnage and at the penetrative introspection they are experiencing for the first time.

So here’s my break down of the contestants this year, an answer to Channel 4’s own online blurbs provided for each of them.

Angel

Survival of the fittest must be one of the most worn out and knackered clichés ever used when describing Big Brother's many, but in Angel's case it's about as true as you could get. Moving to England from Russia 12 years ago, Angel is a professional boxer and is very self-confident. But she does have a soft side – she runs a keep fit class for the elderly ladies of Herne Hill. Aww, bless. But, never mind that – let's get back to the hard stuff. Angel claims that she is mentally strong and can't remember the last time she cried, and when she was little she wanted to be a detective. She also believes that in the future, there will be a war between fit and unfit people. Okay, so apart from the fact that we know which side she'll be on, does anyone else think her biography sounds a bit like a Terminator screenplay? She's quite ambiguous when it comes to sex too – she can't 'do it' for a month before a fight, but when it comes down to it, she's another one who’s not quite sure whether she's Arthur or Martha. Bring it on…

So apparently Angel is fit.  This, for the copywriter is exciting news.  Oh, and she’s Russian, so that means she’s probably a Communist or a vampire or something.  Nothing else described is the least bit exciting.  Even the writer’s attempt at mentioning something exciting like The Terminator falls flat when it becomes apparent she has no idea what the films are about.  That’s probably what pissed me off the most about this whole write up.

Sophie

Well, if there's one thing that's going to get Sophie noticed it's, well, two things. And apparently, in case you have to know, they are 30GG. Even though she's only 20, she’s already done Playboy and would not rule out having a 'boob job' to make them even bigger. Sophie claims that her proudest achievement at school was failing all her GCSEs. Well, that’s just showing off. When it comes to things she doesn’t like, it's pretty straightforward: boring people, spiders and sand. Okay, we can understand the first two, but sand? Sand? As far as ambitions go, she did want to be Airline Hostess, but realised she didn't like flying. But she did manage to jump out of a plane for charity and has raised over £10,000 for Britain's soldiers. Sophie reckons she's going to be very competitive in the House and confesses to only having one bad habit – smiling all the time. Well, it's better than making soup from kittens.

If there were only five women in the world with fake tits, the fact that one was in the Big Brother house might’ve been cause for excitement.  But that fact that every dumb blonde that becomes famous for a season has had breast enhancement really means it’s not a talking point.  What would have made this so much more interesting is if she was clever.  But no, Channel 4 have pushed the boat out and presented us with a bleached blonde girl with fake tits who is, wait for it – dumb as fuck.

Lisa

On first impressions, Lisa might look a little bit scary. Some people have even said she looks ready to kill, but far from it. She might have more front than Selfridges, but we suspect she’s hiding just as many treasures behind her Mohican, tattoos and piercings. And we might as well get her bad habit out in the open while we’re here – she loves cleaning up. Lisa’s gonna be real popular. Oh yeah. As long as she manages to control her, ahem, urges. Lisa is a very sexual being and talks about sex all the time. To describe Lisa as a sexual predator would be like calling a crocodile a sweet itty-bitty thing. But it’s not all about sex. Spiritualism plays a big part in Lisa’s life and she has all the hallmarks of a genuine, kind individual. Her downfall, she believes, is her lack of confidence. Well, there’s nothing like a Baptism of fire to sort that out once and for all.

Goodness, tattoos and piercings, whatever next?  It feels like 1977!  And someone who likes to talk about sex!  What taboos are being smashed!  Nobody and I mean nobody talks about sex.  There’s nothing on TV about it.  My friends don’t talk about it, I certainly refrain from talking about sex.  I wonder what she’ll teach us?  My indifference is overwhelming.

Sree

A business student from India, Sree won't know what's hit him when he wakes up in the Big Brother House. He's used to sharing a house with two girls - and they both cook for him. Wonder if he'll be able to convince any of his fellow female housemates to do that? When he's not studying for his business masters degress, Sree can nearly always be found on his university campus, probably down the student union bar. Sounds like perfect Big Brother training. This first-class honours grad grew up in southern India, and he thinks England is the safest place in the world. Sree reckons he's the happiest man alive, not that surprising as he’s never had a job in his life.  All he wants is to make others happy. Wonder how long that'll last?

Boring.  As.  Shit.

Rodrigo

Brazilian-born Rodrigo is going to get pulses racing with his cute good looks – and it won’t be just the girls’ pulses he’ll be interested in. No, because ‘our’ Rodrigo is a bit of a swing door, if you get our drift. Look, he’s bisexual, okay? And he’s also very tactile and loves hugging and kissing – culturally, being this close with people is a natural thing for him, but how will his fellow interns react? So, that’s all the nice stuff, now for the not-so-good. If you put a dustpan and brush in his hand, he’d probably have a hissy fit as he hates cleaning. And he’s not keen on cooking either, preferring to live off Pot Noodle and sandwiches. Also, if he’s left on his own for too long, he has been known to pick his nose. And his feet. Eugh! And he farts and blames it on other people. What a charmer. Single at the moment, Rodrigo would like a relationship, but fancies too many people, apparently because in England “everyone is good looking.” Oh Rodrigo you charmer!

Rodrigo has the least ‘pulse-racing’ face I’ve ever seen.  I’ve eaten flumps with more aggression than that dumb-ass smile.  The way the corners of his mouth push into his cheeks makes me want to grate his face off.  Ooh, but he picks his nose!  And his feet!  The man’s barely human!

Freddie

What is Freddie going to make of the Big Brother? The 23-year-old grew up in a stately home, where he still lives, with his family, and four staff. At least he'll be used to busy mealtimes. An aspiring politician, he loves campaigning and doesn't have time for any narrow-mindedness. A self-confessed free spirit, when he's not fighting for some cause or another, he's singing, partying on probably on the pull. He is, by his own admission, a bit of a charmer. And watch out boys AND girls, no-one's immune from Freddie's alpha-male charms.

I can see the producers wringing their hands in excitement at what this toff will bring to BB.  Problem is, he’s an aspiring politician which means he going to be so middle of the road he’ll have cats eyes for nipples.  But oh!  What’s this?  He’s bisexual?  Then he must be exciting because bisexual people, as a group, are all really fun to be around.  Ask one.

Marcus

Woof! That’s right – woof! Because if there’s one word Marcus is going to say, it’s woof! Or maybe graaaaarrrr. Or Yeah! Because Marcus is a bloke, yeah? Fearless and manly are two words he openly uses to describe himself, and he’s ready to take on any task or challenge to prove he’s ‘the man’. If he could have his dream job, it would be as a porn star. Yeah! And if he could break the law, he’d do a bank job for the ‘high rock and roll factor.’ Yeah! Oh, did we mention Marcus has lived on his own for 20 years with his cat. No, thought not. Surprisingly, Marcus does have one or two bad habits including swearing, chewing his nails and arguing. He freely admits that he uses the worst swear words around, so ‘bleeps’ should be expected. Do not adjust your set. Naked ladies, toys and guitars make him happy. People who dislike his hair offend him. Did we mention that Marcus was single? And has a mullet?

Is the copywriter of these ridiculous blurbs annoying you yet?  I’m annoyed.  So Marcus wants to be a porn star.  Oh dear.  Channel 4 has once again mistaken ‘controversial’ for ‘interesting’.  If you’ve ever watched porn, you’ll know that male porn stars’ personalities are so barren, you’d have more fun dating an isosceles triangle.  Besides that, wanting to be a porn star in NOT controversial.  It’s exactly what a man with a dismal sense of humour would say in order to appear exciting.

Beinazir

Don't mess with Beinazir. This tough-talking, no-nonsense Londoner works with disaffected youth. So she should be well-placed to deal with anyone she comes into contact with inside Big Brother. She's a family girl who still lives at home and puts a large chunk of her wage packet back into the family pot. Beinazir is hard-worker and would step up to any task. Just don't ask her to cook dinner - she can't. Although single now, the 28-year-old wouldn't mind finding romance in the House - but they've gotta be tall, strong and brave enough to face a challenge. It could happen, Beinazair, it could happen.

How many the fuck people are they going to get who can’t cook?  It really isn’t that exciting.  She “wouldn’t mind” finding romance in the house?  Jeez, looks like the interviewer really had to drag that one out of her.  And she works with “disaffected youth” a phrase clearly written by someone who has absolutely no idea what the fuck she does, or who has even seen the inside of a post office.  Wow – poor people.  They’re so real.

Saffia

Saffia is certainly not your average shy and retiring type. Strong on voice and opinion, her views on men might shock the faint-hearted: “they are just sperm donors.” Yowch! And heaven help anyone who challenges her skills as a single mother of two. She also freely admits that she always gets everything she wants. Already sounding like a recipe for trouble, yeah? According to rumour, she’s perceived as a show off, a bitch and a fantastic mum, all of which she confirms as being absolutely true. And the thing she likes most about herself? Why, her appearance of course! Saffia is a beauty consultant after all. Independence is a massive issue for Saffia too and she won’t even let men buy her drinks, let alone pay for a meal. This is one fiery chick, except in the bedroom department, because as far as Saffia is concerned, she could do without sex for the rest of her life. Or so she says, because in the next breath she confesses that she kissed a girl and liked it. Ooh, what would Katie Perry say?

“Bob!  Looks like we’ve got ourselves a screamer!”

“I’ll put the oven on!”

Cairon

Don't be fooled by Cairon's accent. This 18-year-old student might sound like he's from across the pond, but Cairon is really a Londoner. Born in south London, but raised in America's deep south, he's now back where, he says, he belongs. He's a self-confessed joker with an eye for the ladies and secretly wants to be the next 50 Cent. Music, says Cairon, is his life. Before moving into the House, he moved in with his girlfriend. But if it doesn't work out, he says he'll move in with his granny. Seems like you can't keep Cairon away from the girls.

Wasn’t there a previous contestant almost exactly like this, called Science or something retarded?  Prepare for hilarious differences between black and white people.  This man’s music is “his life” which makes him really really different from so many other people.  I’m glad he’s recognised the value of having been a Big Brother contestant in terms of his music career – there is no way that this is a bad idea.

Karly

Ladies and gentlemen, may we introduce Karly for your delectation? Blonde, blue-eyed, footballer-chasing Karly is a part-time glamour model whose proudest moment is when she made it into the Top 100 FHM High Street Honeys. Just don’t mention that she never made it into the top ten, peaking at number 16. Or that she got sacked from her job for appearing in the list. Hang on – what’s this? Karly has another ‘proudest moment’ when she got accepted into Dundee University. See – brains and beauty. Just don’t mention that she quit just three weeks in. However, the biggest shock for us was when she revealed her perfect celebrity type – Simon Cowell. No, it’s not a misprint, she really did say Simon Cowell. So, inevitably we must come to the bad bits. Karly reckons that her untidiness alone will make her very unpopular. Add to that a tendency to always be late for everything and having a ‘gutter mouth’ and you’ve got Karly.

Let me guess – she’s only a part time model because she doesn’t get enough work.  Dropping out of university after three weeks does not equal ‘brains’.  Going 10 seconds into a bout with Quentin “Rampage” Jackson before legging it out the area does not make me ‘tough’.  What we have here is out resident thicko – but it’s better than that, she probably thinks she’s empowered.

Siavash

If you were to open a dictionary and look up the word ‘cool’, Siavash would have you believe there would be a little photo of him waving back at you. We think it’ll be up to you to decide, but there’s no harm in giving you a few facts. He’s absolutely obsessed with fashion and it is obviously a huge part of his life, though where the money comes from he can’t quite say. Siavash says he can’t really describe what he does for a living, but he always has money in the bank. Maybe he’s a politician? Whatever he does, he doesn’t worry about money as he is sure he’ll be a millionaire in 10 years. So, the bad bits? Well, if a girl doesn’t succumb to his, erm, charms, he’ll move on to the next one. Oh, and he blows bubbles with his spit. That must look so attractive while he’s out at dinner. He also says that fat people and ugly people make him angry. Sounds like a complex character…

The man clearly lives off his parents.  And with them.  The man is about as ‘cool’ as voting BNP.

Charlie

Okay crew, set phasers to camp – it’s time for a gay-off! When Charlie arrives in a room there’s no doubt that he’s ‘arrived’. Like a child who’s eaten half a kilo of fizzy cola bottles, Charlie is as camp, chatty and engaging as it is possible to get. And his proudest moment – oh, it brings a tear to our eyes – was when he won the Best Easter Egg competition at school. Winning competitions seems to be a bit of a theme for our Charlie – he won Mr Gay Newcastle and was a runner up in Mr Gay UK. Unsurprisingly, Charlie has been known to take his clothes off and dance in his pants in some of Newcastle’s nightclubs. Of course, he’s got some bad habits – snoring, picking his nose, biting his nails etc. And he’s alarmingly candid and eerily precise about his sexual conquests – 69 men and 103 women. Hmm, we’re wondering about that ‘103 women’ statistic. That’s a mighty large number of women for a ‘gay’ man. Is there something Charlie’s not telling us?

If I was gay, I’d just love Channel 4 and their totally fair and measured representation of homosexuality on Big Brother.  You know, I never took gay men could be such screaming camp-festivals, but it looks like I had my head buried in the sand.  Thank you Channel 4 for opening my eyes and showing the world that yes, rampant exhibitionism is OK, as long as you have an ambiguous sexuality.  And by ‘ambiguous’ I mean ‘horrifying’. 

Sophia

At a fairly short 4'11”, Sophia isn’t the tallest girl in the House, but when it comes to attitude, she’s got the goods. A pretty tough childhood left Sophia with the philosophy to embrace every day as it comes and treat it as your last day. An attitude that some might see as stubbornness. Especially when she claims that she'll never start an argument, but if someone starts one with her then she will end it - even if it has to go on all night. You go girlfriend! On a trust front, she's very wary of people, which might explain why she doesn’t have a best friend to speak of and she’s single at the moment – men give her headaches as she doesn't know what they want. She’s probably not alone there! And what about Sophia's bad habits? Well, how about randomly breaking out into song, talking to herself and farting? Will that do? 

Oh!  Random!  Look what it says: she “randomly” like to break out into song.  She must be so random.  She wants to treat every day as if it’s her last with a vengeance.  Woe betide anyone who attempts to stop her from embracing everyday.  She’s stubborn about this.  I know, I was a bit confused by that sentence too.

Noirin

"I'm beautiful. If I don't love myself, who will?" Now, on one hand, this statement from 25-year-old Noirin is absolutely true – you have to love yourself before you love anyone else. On the other hand, when a drop-dead gorgeous girl like Noirin says it, you just KNOW there's gonna be trouble with the other girls in the House. Oh, and did we mention she was an all-Ireland athletics champion too? So, she’s pretty, sporty and hates things being untidy. And she's single too. Sounds perfect, until she lists her worst habit as not thinking before she speaks which means she frequently insults people. She also gets wound up by people who moan and sit about doing nothing and people who go on about missing their families. Add to this some pretty hard-line beliefs about sexuality and there could be a few fireworks. Now, we could be wrong here, but she does know this is Big Brother right?

Hang on, was the copywriter just philosophising with us?  You have to love yourself before loving anyone else.  Wow, thanks for that, I simply love platitudes.  Ooh, I wonder what her hard-line beliefs on sexuality are -  Never, under any circumstances should a couple fall asleep on the wet patch!  And the fact that she speaks without thinking is a one up on the other housemates who all speak in the absence of thinking.  Go girl!

Kris (with a ‘K’)

Okay ladies, form an orderly queue. This is Kris and he's single. But just before you start getting measured for the dress, let's just get a few facts out in the open. He picks his nose. And, erm, that’s about it really. He's quite switched on for a pretty boy and is concerned that people don't think there's anything beyond the looks: "when the package is this pretty, no-one cares what’s on the inside". Wow, that's a bit deep. He also has a bit of a James Dean Complex – he thinks he will live fast and die young. But that's enough soul searching, let's stay with the pretty bits. He loves his hair and thinks that "curls get girls" – 200 at the latest count according to Kris. But he's a softy at heart. He's been single for a year and would love to meet his 'lobster'. He obviously thinks lobsters mate for life, whereas in fact the alpha male in a lobster colony will do his best to get a bit of  action with every female in the group. Still looking for your lobster Kris?

There’s a reason Kris is single and that’s because he’s a cunt.  Really, look at his description.  He says and does everything truly deserving of that moniker.  Who was that bloke that got sucked into that relationship with the Geordie lass a few Big Brothers ago?  He’ll be like him.  Do you remember?  Yeah, the guy who absolutely nothing to say for himself and was thus incredibly boring.  “No-one cares what’s on the inside.”  So not only is he a cunt, he’s an emo-cunt.  Cunt.